Looking back, moving forward

Somehow, I made it through the first year without Mom. It wasn’t easy, so many other things happened since late on Christmas Eve when she passed. Sometimes I have a hard time realizing it hard time realizing it has been that long. I slowly was losing her the last couple of months, she wasn’t very engaged as the end was nearing. She was weary, and withdrew from most of the things she once enjoyed. It was sad to watch. I tried so hard to keep her present and engaged, but she was just done. No matter how much we all still wanted her with us, she was ready to move on Home.

We had a lot happen in 2017, Tara and myself, as well as my entire family.

Besides saying good bye to Mom as the year ended, we scrambled to figure out where we would go. Moving away was a much needed change for both Tara and I. It hasn’t been without it’s trials since we’ve been here, but any major moves has it challenges and time of adjustments.  Tara and I too had to figure out our new normal. We had so many other influences on our relationship that many times we didn’t really address issues between the two of us, as we were holding a united front against the other forces in our lives that we had little to no control over.

Sometimes I am not the best communicator, and don’t like confrontations at all. We have had our moments, but in the end we are still a team, and building new lives here and learning how to be two adult women living together as well as mother and daughter. Figuring out our roles.

During this past year, some relationships have grown stronger, some have become estranged, and some new relationships have been unveiled. People have surprised me, those who have broken ties, and those I never expected to “have my back” when I was in need.  I have proved to myself that I am stronger than I thought, and there were a few times when there was a great need, and things just worked out. We have struggled a bit financially, but it has been a good thing. I realize that “things” are not so important, and after all of the purging of stuff I did to move, I am relucntant to bring new items in the house unless they have a useful, regular purpose, or for some reason a deep emotional or nostalgic connection.

My job is the same, yet different. New store, new managers, coworkers and customers to build relationships with. There was a time that I was frustrated that the new leadership didn’t really know my potential and the experience I brought to the table.

Tara has made friends at work, and I have one co-worker that I have connected with.  We are at very different stages in life, but we have become good friends, and I am thankful for her. It is difficult as we still have just one vehicle, so it is hard to venture out on my own if Tara is at work and I am off as she has the car. I am vey content most days to just be at home. It would be nice to find something to be part of… I am not sure what that is.

Our neighbors are nice, but all in all our little corner is very quiet. We speak and wave, but for the most part people do their own things.

Tyler’s (my great nephew, who lived with Mom, Tara and I for most of the previous 4 years for those who don’t know) sudden passing in July was a huge blow to the family, one that may never heal. Being so far from home was not easy when tragedy struck, but we were not in a financial way that we could afford to travel back to PA.  We had a very rock, last couple of weeks with Tyler prior to our move, but I did as much as I could do to help him especially after Mom passed.

We have been exploring Disney this past 9 months, after being gone for seven years we had quite a few changes to experience. We also are still exploring our new area. There is so much to do that we haven’t even begun to explore. Once Tara started working our time off together became limited, as neither of us has a set schedule. You can see a list of all our visits here.

We made it through Hurricane Irma with only the inconvenience of no power for 4 days. Tara worked through the it all, helping to keep the residents at the retirement community feed. Our store was closed due to no power for about three days. Our immediate area didn’t have any major damages, except the power outages that lasted almost a week for some. I will be better prepared for 2018 season, I hadn’t even thought of hurricane prep with all that was going on. It wasn’t our first time have been through 4 in one season in 2004!

Looking forward, this new year, the year I turn 60 and Tara turns 21, I hope we continue to thrive and grow here in Deltona. I hope to explore more of our immediate area this year, while still enjoying Disney. I am hoping to find some place that I “fit” for some interactions aside from work, home and Disney. If not, that’s okay too. I wasn’t the most social of butterflies back in PA either. I am content to be with myself!

Hopefully we will get to see some folks from back home this year. It is not always easy juggling work schedules when I know folks are in Orlando. We are an hour from the attractions, so it take s a little luck and planning to fit into others itineraries. Our house is always open if someone is in the area, we are not super convenient for Disney vacationers, but we are a little closer to the east coast beaches or a stop over for anyone headed further south.

We hope to grow some veggies and flowers this year, something Tara has wanted to do for a long time. I already started some sunflowers!

I was fortunate to have accrued enought time off over the past year to take a nice long staycation this past week. The holidays were rough emotionally for me and work was very busy. We are going through some staff changes at work, and apparently this week was a little rough. I am glad to have been home. I was also not feeling too well for a couple of days, and it was nice to not have to worry about work. I have one more full day off, than one shift and other day off before a full and busy week!

I wish anyone who reads this a very Happy and Healthy 2018. I sure hope it is a quiet one of healing for my family and so many others who I know had struggles in 2017!

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One Comment

  1. IntenseGuy

    So nice to hear from you. I’m sure the past year was full of huge adjustments and lots of grief. Hopefully things will get better… and some of the pain less painful.

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